Cat Stoppers

Bella made me do it:

TERMS, CONDITIONS, DISCLAIMERS, DECLARATIONS, REPRESENTATIONS, WARRANTIES, COVENANTS, ACKNOWLEDGMENTS, AND OTHER UNNECESSARILY SERIOUS MATTERS

By requesting a complimentary copy of this publication, hereinafter referred to as “the Comic,” “the Publication,” “the Free Thing,” “the Item,” “the Reward,” or, where appropriate, “that damned thing you found by clicking around Bella's website,” you acknowledge that you have voluntarily entered into an arrangement with D.J. Chambers and/or any associated literary, publishing, fictional, quasi-fictional, entirely fictional, semi-legitimate, or otherwise questionable entities responsible for the existence of this offer.

The purpose of this agreement is to establish, with an entirely unnecessary degree of solemnity, the conditions under which one physical copy of the Comic may be provided to you at no monetary cost.

1. ELIGIBILITY

The offer is available to persons who have successfully located the applicable offer, discovered the appropriate pathway through Bella's Universe, demonstrated sufficient curiosity to arrive at this page, and have not been permanently banned from receiving free things due to prior misconduct, excessive enthusiasm, fraudulent behavior, or other circumstances determined solely by the people who have to pay the postage.

2. CONSIDERATION

The consideration required for receipt of the Comic shall be limited to the provision of a valid mailing address to which the Comic may reasonably be delivered.

No purchase is required.

No subscription is required.

No membership is required.

No credit card is required.

No blood oath is required.

No firstborn child is required.

No pledge of allegiance to Bella, Father Whathehell, GipPeTo, Miss Kitty's Mama, the Sisters of Profound Disappointment, or any other resident, fictional character, animal, institution, deity, or questionable organizational entity within Bella's Universe shall be required.

You merely provide a mailing address.

This is, admittedly, suspiciously reasonable.

3. ONE COPY PER HOUSEHOLD PER DECADE

One (1) copy of the Comic shall be provided per household during any ten-year period.

For purposes of this provision, “household” shall mean a dwelling, residence, apartment, domicile, habitation, tent, recreational vehicle, basement, attic, converted garage, or other place where two or more human beings have somehow agreed to share utilities, rent, mortgage payments, food, television programming, emotional trauma, or a refrigerator.

A household shall not become a new household merely because:

• the applicant changes email addresses;
• the applicant changes hairstyles;
• the applicant changes jobs;
• the applicant changes political opinions;
• the applicant gets married;
• the applicant gets divorced;
• the applicant changes the spelling of their name;
• the applicant discovers a loophole;
• the applicant moves the mailbox six feet to the left;
• the applicant claims that the previous recipient was “just a roommate”;
• the applicant insists that the previous recipient was “actually my evil twin”;
• or the applicant believes that the ten-year restriction is excessive.

The ten-year period shall be measured from the date on which the previous complimentary copy was dispatched, because we have apparently decided to administer a free comic with the administrative precision normally reserved for nuclear materials.

4. MAILING ADDRESS

The recipient shall provide a sufficiently complete and accurate mailing address to permit ordinary postal delivery.

If the recipient provides an address consisting of nothing more than:

“You know where I live,”

the request may be delayed until the recipient provides additional information.

If the recipient provides:

“The blue house near the Walmart,”

the request may likewise be delayed.

If the recipient provides the address of a Walmart, cemetery, police station, abandoned mine, offshore oil platform, monastery, Siberian missile facility, or other location not reasonably expected to receive personal correspondence, the sender reserves the right to exercise common sense.

5. DELIVERY

The Comic will be mailed using a reasonably appropriate postal or shipping service.

Once the Comic has been deposited into the custody of the postal system, responsibility for its continued physical existence shall be shared among the postal service, the laws of physics, weather, geography, postal sorting machinery, dogs, mailboxes, porch pirates, and whatever mysterious forces routinely cause packages to travel approximately 1,800 miles in the wrong direction before returning to the city from which they originated.

Delivery dates are estimates, not prophecies.

6. CONDITION OF THE COMIC

The sender intends to provide the Comic in reasonably good physical condition.

The sender does not guarantee that the recipient will receive a copy possessing the precise emotional, spiritual, aesthetic, metaphysical, or existential condition anticipated by the recipient.

Minor imperfections caused by printing, handling, shipping, gravity, weather, postal machinery, or ordinary human incompetence shall not constitute grounds for litigation.

If the Comic arrives slightly bent, the recipient is encouraged to regard this as character development.

7. NO RESALE

The complimentary Comic is provided for the recipient's personal enjoyment and is not intended to become the centerpiece of a speculative commodities market.

You may read it.

You may keep it.

You may give it to a friend.

You may put it on a shelf.

You may show it to your children, assuming you have first determined that doing so is appropriate.

You may frame it.

You may leave it in a waiting room.

You may accidentally leave it in a bathroom.

You may not, however, immediately attempt to sell it back to the person who sent it to you for seventeen dollars and ninety-nine cents.

We will know what you did.

8. NO GUARANTEE OF PERSONAL TRANSFORMATION

Receipt of the Comic does not guarantee enlightenment, spiritual awakening, improved judgment, increased attractiveness, reduced anxiety, enhanced literary appreciation, romantic success, professional advancement, financial prosperity, improved bowel function, salvation, damnation, or immunity from future encounters with Father Whathehell.

The sender makes no representation that reading the Comic will make you a better person.

It might.

It might not.

That's between you and God.

9. LIMITATION OF LIABILITY

The sender shall not be responsible for emotional distress, uncontrollable laughter, confusion, existential questioning, unexpected nostalgia, sudden curiosity regarding additional works, arguments with one's spouse regarding the meaning of the Comic, or any subsequent decision to explore Bella's Universe further.

The sender shall likewise not be responsible for any consequences resulting from clicking buttons labeled:

“I'm Brave.”

“Yes, Yes, Yesss!!”

“Show Me More!!”

or any other button whose obvious purpose should reasonably have caused the recipient to reconsider their choices.

10. ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF VOLUNTARY PARTICIPATION

By submitting a mailing address, you acknowledge that you have voluntarily requested the Comic.

You were not compelled.

You were not coerced.

You were not threatened with a yardstick.

You were not pursued through a convent by three disappointed nuns.

You were not required to undergo aversion therapy.

You found the offer.

You wanted the Comic.

You asked for the Comic.

We are simply honoring your questionable decision.

11. FINAL PROVISION

If you have actually read this entire document, congratulations.

You have demonstrated precisely the sort of sustained engagement for which this website was designed.

Unfortunately, there is no additional prize for reading the Terms and Conditions.

There is, however, a Comic.

Assuming you have not already received one within the previous ten years.

One copy per household.

Per decade.

No exceptions.

Probably.